The Girl Before

   At a young age the girl had lost herself in her books because it became all she had. She traveled to different worlds far away from the anger and resentment that she felt. She hated the fights of her parents that ended with only her tears. She hated that they acted like everything was fine in public when it wasn't. That she had to smile when at only 6 it felt like she was dying. So she would go to school and sit there with the books ignoring the kids around her. Slowly isolating herself and retreating into a world that was all her own. There was no pain here, there was no hurt here. Only bewilderment and awe. After a while all she would do was go home walk into her room and lock the door behind her.. There was no more how was your day at school honey. She unlocked the door and locked the room door behind her. Her mother didn't know that she was getting bullied at school but she should have. The girl resented her for not knowing for never paying attention but always giving love out to her sisters. 

    At eleven, she began cutting because she just couldn't take it. Little scars inside her forearm that her mother never noticed. Almost desperately, almost always crying out for attention. Until the scars became bigger scars and the kids at school asked questions. She would giggle and laugh saying that her cats like to scratch. Her classmates knew what they were, the teachers knew what they were.  no No one spoke up for the girl or asked what was wrong. So she cut more until she felt her feelings leave her. The depression and suicidal thoughts that kept on rising. She tried escaping the world around her but books weren't enough and singing at the top of her lungs wasn't enough.

    At twelve, she snuck into her moms room and downed the rum she kept hidden under her bed. Her throat burned but at least she felt the burn. She felt something. She laughed and danced so much that day and still her mom suspected nothing. For just that moment the girl had felt happiness and always found herself reaching for that bottle when she needed it. The magical bottle that let her experience emotions and vivid colors. The world around her had become too gray and she couldn't feel the way she used to. 

   At fourteen, the bottle wasn't enough so she looked for love. On websites where men appreciated her so unlike her father. Talking of dalliances although she was an innocent. Technically an innocent besides for the man at 8 the monster she never spoke about ever. There were so many men so much older and worldly. She liked that they liked her even if it was only for her body. They gave her a sense of gratification she had never found. So she found herself using them and them using her in degrading ways. So she thought ahhh this must be what love is. This must be what love feels like. She got too accustomed though to the degradation until it rooted to deeply into her soul. Along with the depression and low self esteem that had always been there keeping her company. She had attached demons to herself. Demons she had tried to silence by herself too many times in the night. She couldn't do it because she was a coward, she was always too afraid to take the final step. Too afraid to jump or to take the knife she held in her trembling hands to her wrist. So she stayed there for a while cursing God and this godforsaken existence he had inflicted upon her.

The Concept of The Girl

I got really sad one day at home which sounds pretty sad I guess lol. So I decided to write and I just started writing in my notes on my iPhone. I'm not really sure what it is whether it's a poem or a story.
I started writing about a girl and a boy who were having a breakup. So cliche and 21 right? I cried like such a baby while writing this too. Watch out those feelings can creep up on you out of nowhere.After this (what can clearly be found below) I started writing more about the girl. I thought why not just write like this not giving her a name, or description of a physical appearance. Just because I don't describe her doesn't mean that the girl is less real than any character in a story. To me it makes her more real. The girl turned into something I wanted to be relateable to any girl/woman of any age.So I figured why not have fun with it and wrote more poems/story thingies in which the central character is the girl. Then it tuned into a folder named the girl in my phone with over 10 different notes. So I've decided to post it up here on my blog because why the fuck not

She took a deep breath and reached for his hand. A hand that didn't belong to her any longer. She used her left hand to pull his chin down. She waited for minutes until he lowered his gaze and could look her in her eyes. She stared up into his eyes afraid to utter the words that would end them. He didn't look like the happy boy he used to be anymore and she hated that she was the reason. She opened her mouth to speak but the words didn't want to leave her lips. So she took another breath and another. The boy just stared down at the girl unaware of what was going on until he heard the whisper
"I think we're over"
His eyes widened in shock and his hand got sweaty. He was scared.
"I'm not enough for you and you can never love me"
He wanted to shake his head as soon as she said it. To reassure her that they had something special. That in a few years they would be happily married with children but it would be a lie. He liked and cherished her but he could never love her. He could never allow himself to.
So he stood there resembling an impenetrable wall. Physically manifesting into the wall that had always been between them.
"I'm sorry that I'm not enough for you" she said
He wanted to speak up but his throat was clogged. The words were just stuck, lost somewhere along with his heart. 
"I'll love you forever but you can never love me"she said 
It was true in months he could forget about her. He could forget her without a glance back and he would be okay. He knew she would be hurting the whole time while he was okay enjoying his life.
"I'm okay" she said with a smile still holding his chin
He could see the tears forming in her eyes. He wanted to wipe them away.
"I'll be okay"she said but this time her voice broke betraying her lie.
He still stood there silent just watching. Just watching girl he spent months with cry until they turned into sobs. The kind of gut wrenching sobs that were painful.
"I'm sorry" was all he could say over and over again. As if the sorry could make it any better.  He grabbed her close to him and hugged her. Letting her tears soak his shirt. Tears forming in his eyes too because he knew they had reached the end and he had been too selfish to continue on with her. He had been too selfish holding back his heart. So they stood there in the dimly lit park both crying, mourning the loss of each other  just because the boy didn't have enough courage. 

Life Update

So lately my life has been a huge fucking mess so I haven't been able to post as much as I want to. I've been super stressed out in regards to school, life, and everyone around me. Just the usual 21 year old stuff I guess lol. I feel bad for not posting as much as I planned but I felt like a break was needed. Due to being super stressed I've been in an odd mood lately. Not necessarily sad but not completely happy either. I'm happy now thought. In these last two weeks I've learned so many things about life. This past year I've learned so much about life and its bittersweet but I'm also grateful. I'm learning who my real friends are and who's really there for me at the end of the day. I've learned not to dwell in the past and have those what if moments. I'm finding out what makes me happy now. Anyone in my family can tell you that when I'm mad or upset I used to sing at the top pf my lungs. Music used to be the way for me to deal with things but now I prefer writing.I like going out every now and then but I love my solitude.I'm content with who I am and the different aspects of my personality. Things I used to view as weird or odd traits I simply see as me now. I've realized that no one is weird or strange. you're just yourself and you should unapologetically be yourself. As soon as you use words like quirky, weird, awkward, or strange you start minimizing yourself. Sure self esteem and how you view yourself can be influenced by others but it starts in you. It starts with you.

Okay Poetry On A Tuesday






That's a round up of basically everything I've written recently. It's not amazing or particularly spectacular but still this makes me happy. Some of my poems are lighthearted and frivolous. Some are dark and twisted like Jacob Nathaniel.


21 is what I wrote in the blog post Why I Won't Date in 2016 and explains where I'm at right now in regards to love.Widow was about a woman being left behind by a loved one whether he moved on from her or he simply died. She's mourned the loss for so long that she can't feel as much anymore.Frozen is about falling in love with some emotionally unavailable. She knows all of this but still continues the relationship. Jacob Nathaniel was inspired by someone who seemed to exit in and out of my life as they pleased. I felt used and dirty but at the same I let it happen. My Jacob Nathaniel was more emotional rather than sexual. Silly Dreams is something anyone can understand. We've all had dreams of past lovers and have woken up missing them. In our dreams we're together and happy. Then the bitter sweet morning comes and we're plunged back into the reality of life.

I  found myself in all of them
I always seemed to be the girl I was writing
Pain and Happiness
Always Intertwining

That concludes Okay Poetry On A Tuesday.

Story Time: The Plan B Scare




Now I'm not gonna say when exactly this happened because who knows my dad may read this or some shit. Can you imagine all the random questions. My dad is still under the impression that I'm a virgin virgin. On the flip side my mom is super cool. The first time I gave head I told her and all she could say was did you use a condom. Now she loves to joke around saying I can't drink off her because she doesn't know where my mouth has been.

So there was this day I had unprotected sex. It all happened so fast and he didn't have condoms. Never happening again ever lol. You readers most likely don't know this but I am paranoid as fuck. I have never and will never trust the pull out method. That's how people get pregnant and at 21 I don't have a baby in my life plans any time soon. Maybe never honestly.

Back to the story so after incredible sex I laid there for a while thinking wtf wtf wtf what did I just do. The guy had to take me back to school because my class started at 5:30. Now it's already 6 and I need to go to class because my best friend is sitting there all by her lonesome probably wondering what I'm doing. I finally make it to school and walk into class. Not at first really I kind of debated going inside the room. I lingered outside for a bit then the professor spots me and says come on in. I walk in and I have this super embarrassed smile on my face. Mind you it's a small ass class since so many people have dropped it so I can't stop smiling and laughing.(I'm so awkward but in a cute way I would like to think) I sit by my friend and she just has this knowing look. Like she knows that at 6:45 after we get out of this boring class that I have a story to tell her. As soon as class is over and we're in the elevator by ourselves I whisper in a tiny childlike voice we need to go to CVS after lab because I need to buy plan b. Her eyes light up in shock and she's kind of like what did you say? We make it outside to some tables and I tell her everything that happened. The whole steamy ordeal. 

She laughs and says this could only happen to me and she couldn't make this up even if she tried. So now we're agreed upon the fact that I need to have plan b because how can I possibly be mature enough to take care of a child if I can barely remember to have my id or card on me when we do go out.

So fast forward lab is boring blah blah blah. Lab is over blah blah blah. We get into her car and we find the nearest CVS. Thankfully it's literally up the street from school. We both get out of the car and walk into CVS. I start laughing out of nowhere because this is bound to be the most awkward situation of my life. Me and my friend make our way towards the pharmacy and who is working there. A really hot guy around my age. Well not hot I have really weird taste I've noticed but I'm attracted and he's attractive. Now I need to ask this guy that I think is hot hey can I get some plan b? We're standing behind this older couple and they're about to be done paying for what they need. Alright they're done so now I'm up. I can't even make eye contact with him I look down and I say can I get some plan b. He's all like sure gets it from the back. I pay for it clearly because plan b is not free or cheap guys. Use condoms always. Let me stop digressing. He gives me the plan b. I grab my friend and get the hell out of there. On the way home we both laughed in the car because what are the chances of having to ask the most attractive guy you've ever seen and would totally ask out for the morning after pill? 

Why I Won't Date in 2016


At 21 the love I found was temporary and unfulfilling
Entirely too conditional for my tastes
It was exciting, passionate even
But I had a soul that wanted more, that craved stillness
No more roller coasters or world winds 
I needed a constant in a world that was ever changing
I learned that at 21 a boy can like you but he cant fall in love
All he can see is a body to satisfy simple lust

Now that's me you see above and I'm currently rocking that no fuckboy glow. Jk lol well kind of. I'm not sure if it can be seen but I'm genuinely happy. While sometimes I miss having someone to make out, and text late night I'm happy to be unattached. I don't miss tears or stressing out over someone else. I've come to the conclusion that no one my age is serious. At least no one I've dealt with yet. That probably sounds bitter but it's not. Unfortunately I've talked to way too many guys in my lifetime but they've made me realize what I want out of a person.

  • Intelligence because while I'm pretty I'm not dumb
  • Kindness because while I seem cold hearted I'm actually a really soft koala bear
  • Reliability because I need to trust them with myself
  • Laughter because having a sense of humor is muy importante
  • Sarcasm because I'm sarcastic as fuck
  • Spontaneity because it keeps things interesting and I get bored too easily
  • Independence to a point because I can't stand too much clinging
  • Uniqueness because why would I want someone who's like everyone else
  • Open Mindedness because if your mind is close how can you grow or move forward
  • Patience because I am crazy as fuck and am bound to annoy them
  • Understanding because I've been through quite a bit
  • Most importantly someone that just sees me as I am.


That's why I'm not dating in 2016. I like that I'm happy and I'm enjoying my freedom. If I can't find what I want why in the world do I need to waste my time like everyone else? I know too many people who are in unhappy relationships or situationships that are simply too scared of being alone. I'm not saying that love isn't in the cards for me this year but right now I just don't see it. If I fall in love great but if mot I'll be fine. I'm too focused on my own happiness and goals. Maybe at 23 or 24 I'll find the one if not I'll be a really hot cougar I guess. There's nothing wrong with being alone or sleeping alone. My happiness doesn't need to come from being in love or loving someone other than myself.







Body Postivity: Still Loving Yourself At Any Size


  I was talking to my friend the other day, well my ex friend because it's just a toxic relationship and she's a total bitch. (Another story for another time lol) She told me that guys she talks to always ask her for full body pictures and she never has any in her phone. Then she went on to say that "fat girls never do". Mind you she's a size 10/12 so I wouldn't really qualify that as fat. It kind of bothered because in my head I'm like I'm way bigger than you and I have plenty. I did sent that in a text though.

  For most of my life up until I turned 20 I was incredibly uncomfortable with my body. In the eight grade I was already a size 12 and like someone blowing air in a balloon I kept getting bigger and bigger. I hated my body and I resorted to doing stupid things to try to change it. I would starve or attempt to throw up(please don't do it). I was always the bigger girl out of my friends and the people around me. I would never wear shorts, short sleeves , or even tank tops. I hated my shoulders because they were too broad. My stomach because it was never flat. My boobs because  they were too big and the attention made me uncomfortable. My ass because well I have no ass lol.  Most times I would always have a jacket covering my arms because I felt like they were too fat.Jeans because there was too much cellulite for my liking. However when I moved to Arizona where it is always hot as fuck I had no choice but to. When I originally moved here from jersey it was the summer. I would go outside in long serves and jeans in 100 degree weather because that's how much I hated my body. After I passed out due to dehydration I had to quickly step out of my comfort zone.


(That's me above my senior year in high school)


   I feel like it's important regardless of your body shape to love the person you are on the inside first. Your body is just a shell that house your soul. At least that's how I see it. If you're unhappy with the actual person you are you can't be satisfied with your body. My friend believe that if she lot the weight she'd feel better about herself and more comfortable. I used to have that same line of thinking and while I was losing the weight I wasn't any happier than before. So I told her she should try taking full body pictures of herself once a day just so she could start to appreciate herself and get used to what she was seeing. Body positivity doesn't mean that anyone is glorifying obesity or being unhealthy. To me it's accepting your body as it is and being confident/comfortable in your own skin. Your body tells a story whether it being that you have a having a c section scar from having a child , or that scar you have on your knee from being a rambunctious kid. My body has survived abuse. I have an 8 inch scar on my lower back from some metal I fell on in my old house. If you look closely at my left forearm you can still see the scars of the cuts I made in middle school. Every single body has a story. I'm 21 years old girl who wears a size 16/18 and right now I can very proudly say that I love myself. 
Below are some body selfies of this pretty young thottie named Marcel
(I am not a thot and that was a joke for you serious ass people lol)